Hola is spanish for Hello. I walked around los vegas people watching. I do this in many places, watching people. I’ve learned how to watch objectively. Do you live in a city or the countryside? I live in between the city and industry on a farm. Instead of people I watch the sun rise and set. I watch the insects and I watch my dog, she is. Working to become the water, the wind. Looking for my stars.
I’ve lost a great many friends over the last year. I’ve lost them because I love critical thinking. I’ve lost them because I didn’t make the same choices that they made. People have been separated and sent to camps in the past. I live with people that had that happen in their lifetimes, living with them has changed my life. Allowing my friends, lovers, wives, bosses and instructors the freedom to leave and choose a new path allows me a freedom to choose too.
It is getting cold on the farm and I’ve nothing to heat my house but with wood and a dog. The dog is getting old and the wood thin. I realize that I have more to lose before I will learn how to lose and how to let go. My life is not about success though some of my endeavors have been successful.
I have successfully lost my wife, my community, all my friends and my lovers. I have not yet lost me, my dog or farm. I’m still unsure what I have left to leave. When the songs come true, when I learn how to sing and perform — then we will have a record.
Slowly I have found people, ones that stand, sit by fires and think about their futures. How do we securely communicate, how do we feed an care for ourselves? When I was a kid I was raised in part at camp. I was maybe 10 years old and these fucking hippies would let me run around and chop down trees. We built log cabins, climbed mountains, climbed into the belly of the earth in caves. We jumped off cliffs and bridges into unknown waters.
At one point I decided I wanted to go on a solo hike. At 10 years old I wanted to learn how to walk in the woods alone. When camping with all the other kids I was the one that would sneak out after everyone slept and made sounds in the dark. I was a bear or a monster. These were kids and the counselors were too. We told stories to scare everyone before sleeping.
With zero experience in the woods, I had little understanding that the woods would not kill me. That the woods were filled with kindness, food and complexity of life. This is where I learned about the beauty found in being uncomfortable. Making love painful is a choice.